*Warning: this is not a happy post*

I do not want to type at first but I know letting this out will help me ease out a bit.

It's Father's day on Sunday. At first I don't wanna dwell on it but my facebook feed is now filled with lots and lots of greetings and quotes for Father's day.

2 years ago, I lost my earthly Father and though it is true that time heals all wounds, I still feel the pain of not having him anymore specially in times like this.

Apart from that, and this one hurts me most this day- the realization hits me again that my husband might never have that chance of receiving that special greetings from his very own child.

We have long accepted the fact that I am now too old to bear a child. Our chance got slimmer and slimmer  in each passing year. I know there are alternative ways and procedures but that also means huge money and we don't have that.

I remember a post for Father's day  I made years ago- I was full of hope that someday soon a son or a daughter will greet and make a card for my husband but......

So there, on Sunday, our church will bless all the Fathers and they will call them in front again, maybe there will be a special song for them along  with a tiny gift and each year they fail not in including my husband (same goes on Mother's day) in hope that he'll be a dad also someday soon. And in reality, I dreaded that moment  because they do not know how it hurts me deep inside, at first I gladly accepted that but  it's kinda different now.

Better to skip church on Sunday (that I also do during Mother's day)

Sorry for ranting. Just want to let this out. Thank you for reading.

78th Birthday

Happy happy birthday Tatay!

We will be celebrating again (our second) without you, but I take comfort that you are also having a grand celebration up there in heaven with all the angels :) and that you are truly happy.

I love you and remembering a lot about you today is not easy, it is still painful. I miss you so much.

Remembering

For us here in the Philippines, November 1 is for remembering our departed loved ones but I guess in my part, it does not have to be only on that day because as far as I am concerned, I do remember them almost any day of my life.

I also don't believe in Halloween and do not celebrate it but since my Father passed away last year, we had to go home on November 01 and visit his grave (I'll say his grave because I am very sure that he is not there anymore). This year though, we (meaning my husband and I) were not able to make it home, sad because I'll surely miss a family gathering but we had to accept it. 

Unhappy it maybe but It doesn't mean I forgot Tatay because he will never be forgotten, his memory will always live in my heart, his voice, his jokes and all of him.

Anyways, I'll visit when I go home next time.

I still miss you

I miss you Tatay.....

Happy Birthday Tatay

Tay,

This could have been your 77th birthday. I can't express how much we miss you, specially on every family occasions, it is painful that you are not here with us anymore, but we are comforted by our countless happy memories when you were still with us.

We will forever celebrate your life and I will forever miss you.

Love,

Your bunso

Christmas Rush

Two days to go before Christmas and I have yet to wrap all my gifts for my nephews and nieces :)

Talk about Christmas rush no?

Well, at least we're done with our Christmas parties and events so finally I have time. Yey!!
I was actually dead tired Saturday night so I woke up late Sunday morning. I decided to just stay home and rest if you can call cleaning and de-cluttering a rest.

But I am so happy that despite me not going to church yesterday, my day has been very productive naman. Amazing that I had the energy to organize and cleaned my small pantry, our shelves and a lot more  :) was able to change curtains too!!

Early evening, I was out and buying gifts, so tonight's last work to do is wrapping.

*~*

Oh.. I also cried a lot yesterday. While organizing some files at our study desk, I saw some of my Father's hospital records and his ID's. It suddenly hit me without a warning. Right there and then I cried, but afterwards God comforted me also and I felt fine.

I know there will be more of these moments but I'm sure there will always be comfort too.

*~*

How are you preparing for Christmas? Are you now ready and relaxing or  rushing like me?

5 months

Today marks the 5th month of my father's passing.

It's been 5 months since I received that early morning call...and I can still vividly remember how it broke my heat into pieces..in fact, it is still broken until now. I know mending and healing will take time..

It's been 5 months and it is still painful.

I still miss him so much. I miss his voice, his smiles, his presence.

I love you Tatay. 

Missing my Tatay

It's been days now that I'm seeing his face in my memory, his smile, his hands, his eyes...and I've been crying again.

Maybe because this month, we celebrated my nephew's 13th birthday. I realized how hard it is for us to celebrate such occasion without him. If he's here, he would have been excited about it and for sure even how simple the celebration is, he'llmake sure we are all there.

It's been 3 months...

Yes, life goes on but it's hard.

I can still feel the pain...

I miss him so much that it hurts so bad...

Stages of Loss and Grief

Grieving is very unfamiliar to me. I also do not know if I am coping right. I read that there are stages or process of grieving .  According to the article written by Julie Axelrod, published in psychcentral.com the five stages are :

1. Denial and Isolation - The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished   loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

That it is so true and I know I’m done with that, the first moment I heard from my sister that my father passed away early morning of May 5, I was in denial for days, I’m trying to act as normal as I can and imagining that we are all there for a special occasion and not because we lost our Dad.

2. Anger - As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more  angry.

I don’t know if I went to this stage or if I am yet to go through this. So far, I haven’t felt anger to anyone and I hope not. Or probably yes, when I learned about my father’s sickness, I was at times mad at Doctors, and at people that seems do not understand what we’re going through that time. But when he died, I do not remember getting angry all throughout the wake.

3. Bargaining - The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

I had the series of “Ifs” even before my father left us. I guess we all go through that.

4.  Depression - Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

I must be in this stage now, though not the depressed type of wanting your world to stop but I admit I am having signs of depression probably because of the sadness and the pain of losing someone you love so dearly. Right now, I don’t want to go to work, I want to sleep as long as I can and I don’t want to face people and act normal. But of course, since I cannot afford to live like that – I am now back to work, I already attended a ministry meeting, went to church last Sunday but avoided as much as I could a whole lot of people. I don’t want to talk about stuff and pretend that everything is alright because I am not alright. NOT YET.

5. Acceptance

I know in my heart I’ve already accepted the fact that my father is now with our Creator but it’s the feeling of not seeing him again ever that causes so much pain. The thought that I will never ever hear his voice again, I will never see him smile again and he will not be there anymore during family celebrations –It’s so painful and every time that thought crawl into my mind –I cry.  And it creep into your mind unexpectedly eh.  Even if I am doing things, work and all, sometime I caught myself staring to nowhere and thinking about my father.

But to end this post, I know grieving is just a phase and that whether you like it or not, you’ll get through that phase someday.

I like this quote about grieving I saw from somewhere in the internet

“ It is in the thorough allowing of  the grieving process that true healing occurs”

I am allowing myself to grieve thoroughly so I’m sure healing will come soon.

Grieving

for the loss of my dearest father, he joined our creator last May 05. For now I will let my heart grieve, I know healing will come after.

:(

My father's health is deteriorating. And for days now, I've been hearing  the phrase
"you should get your self ready"
"he's leaving you soon"
"you should give him all he wants now"

I know it is inevitable but how can someone be ready for the death of a love one? specifically of  a Father?

How can I say I am now ready and  I am prepared.
I can and I might say that... but it means I am lying because I can never be ready for that.
I AM NOT.

*~*~*

He was rushed to the hospital last Wednesday night. I hurriedly went home and just got back now. He was out of the hospital but he is not okay. Better maybe but not good. It was so hard to leave him and I've been crying.

But I am not losing HOPE.

PRAYING.

Parents are gift

image from facebook

Update on my father's condition : Biopsy done today, results will be on Friday. Thank God the procedure went well and no complications. Please keep on praying that it's benign and not malignant as the suspected by his Doctor.