Grieving is very
unfamiliar to me. I also do not know if I am coping right. I read that there are
stages or process of grieving .
According
to the article written by Julie Axelrod, published in
psychcentral.com the five stages are :
1. Denial and Isolation -
The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality
of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions.
It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the
words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us
through the first wave of pain.
That it is so true and I know I’m done with that, the first
moment I heard from my sister that my father passed away early morning of May 5,
I was in denial for days, I’m trying to act as normal as I can and imagining that
we are all there for a special occasion and not because we lost our Dad.
2. Anger - As the masking
effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge.
We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core,
redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate
objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our
dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be
blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or
for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
I don’t know if I went to this stage or if I am yet to go
through this. So far, I haven’t felt anger to anyone and I hope not. Or
probably yes, when I learned about my father’s sickness, I was at times mad at
Doctors, and at people that seems do not understand what we’re going through that
time. But when he died, I do not remember getting angry all throughout the
wake.
3. Bargaining - The normal reaction to feelings of
helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
- If only we had sought medical attention
sooner…
- If only we got a second opinion from
another doctor…
- If only we had tried to be a better
person toward them…
Secretly, we may make
a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable.
This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
I had the series of “Ifs” even before my father left us. I
guess we all go through that.
4. Depression - Two types of depression are associated with
mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the
loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about
the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with
others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and
reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The
second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private.
It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell.
Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
I must be in this stage now, though not the depressed type
of wanting your world to stop but I admit I am having signs of depression
probably because of the sadness and the pain of losing someone you love so
dearly. Right now, I don’t want to go to work, I want to sleep as long as I can
and I don’t want to face people and act normal. But of course, since I cannot
afford to live like that – I am now back to work, I already attended a ministry
meeting, went to church last Sunday but avoided as much as I could a whole lot
of people. I don’t want to talk about stuff and pretend that everything is
alright because I am not alright. NOT YET.
5. Acceptance
I know in my heart I’ve already accepted the fact that my
father is now with our Creator but it’s the feeling of not seeing him again
ever that causes so much pain. The thought that I will never ever hear his
voice again, I will never see him smile again and he will not be there anymore
during family celebrations –It’s so painful and every time that thought crawl
into my mind –I cry. And it creep into
your mind unexpectedly eh. Even if I am
doing things, work and all, sometime I caught myself staring to nowhere and
thinking about my father.
But to end this post, I know grieving is just a phase and
that whether you like it or not, you’ll get through that phase someday.
I like this quote about grieving I saw from somewhere in the
internet
“ It is in the
thorough allowing of the grieving
process that true healing occurs”
I am allowing myself to grieve thoroughly so I’m sure
healing will come soon.
