*Warning: this is not a happy post*

I do not want to type at first but I know letting this out will help me ease out a bit.

It's Father's day on Sunday. At first I don't wanna dwell on it but my facebook feed is now filled with lots and lots of greetings and quotes for Father's day.

2 years ago, I lost my earthly Father and though it is true that time heals all wounds, I still feel the pain of not having him anymore specially in times like this.

Apart from that, and this one hurts me most this day- the realization hits me again that my husband might never have that chance of receiving that special greetings from his very own child.

We have long accepted the fact that I am now too old to bear a child. Our chance got slimmer and slimmer  in each passing year. I know there are alternative ways and procedures but that also means huge money and we don't have that.

I remember a post for Father's day  I made years ago- I was full of hope that someday soon a son or a daughter will greet and make a card for my husband but......

So there, on Sunday, our church will bless all the Fathers and they will call them in front again, maybe there will be a special song for them along  with a tiny gift and each year they fail not in including my husband (same goes on Mother's day) in hope that he'll be a dad also someday soon. And in reality, I dreaded that moment  because they do not know how it hurts me deep inside, at first I gladly accepted that but  it's kinda different now.

Better to skip church on Sunday (that I also do during Mother's day)

Sorry for ranting. Just want to let this out. Thank you for reading.

Vitex and shorter cycle

I had my period last November 11 and guess what? I think the Vitex is working. Why did I say so? because this time I did not have any menstrual cramp or any menstrual pain as in NO PMS at all. My period  lasted for 7 days and surprisingly it is not as heavy as my normal periods before. 

So, yes I can say Vitex is slowly working and I'm hoping I'll get a positive result someday soon!

So far, from July to September my cycle count is 69 days, from September to November-it was reduced to 52 days. I can't wait for next month :) I hope I'm slowly getting at least a shorter CD and a regular one.

My husband took another additional vitamins (Rogin-E) and next month I will also add Vitamin E with Selenium to my supplements.

I really hope this all work together and that we will have our gift soon. Please keep on praying for us.

Happy news. Hopeful

I got a happy e-mail today from my best friend in our home province, my matron of honor during my wedding. She confirmed that she is pregnant (3 months) and that I'm gonna be a ninang (godmother) soon!

So yes that's a happy news. See, this friend of mine has been married 10 years ago and they've been waiting for this gift ever since.

Ten long years and God did not fail them.

This mail made me more hopeful that someday soon it will be our turn. Someday soon it will be me emailing friends, announcing that we are expecting. Someday soon.

For now, I remain hopeful.

Here we go again

My very good friend Carmel & Andrew recently became instant parents, she said she's scared but excited and I felt the same way. The beautiful baby is now with them and just like every new baby in our group, everyone adores her. My exact word if I remember it right was this " If you will love her as your own, then we will love her as our own too" just like everyone else.

And while we our genuinely excited and happy with the new baby ( as a matter of fact I can't wait to go to a mall's baby section this weekend and buy her some girly pink stuff)

I was caught off guard by other people's side comment about having a baby or adopting a baby and honestly I was surprised to feel the same old feeling of resentment.

It's like when friends started getting married and I was still single, people would ask "When are you next?"

and then eventually I got married....friends started having babies and there they are again..the questions seems endless..why are you still childless??, when will you have your baby? "you're next soon" blah..blah..blah..not knowing that it is such a very sensitive topic and that we have feelings and that we are hurt by the many unsolicited comments and advice..

and now..I find it very ridiculous and weird that some people would ask me or tell me straight to my face "you know, you should adopt too" "when are you adopting?" My gosh..(gusto ko himatayin)

Please..we have a life and even if we do not have a child, it doesn't mean we're not happy. I hope people stop commenting about us not having our own kid yet. I wish they could all read this blog of mine and realize that they should just keep their mouth shut about that topic.

Please lang :)

I. AM. OLD.

I feel old.

Oh well, I'm old. or I am getting old.

The signs? the fact that I am always on the look out of best anti wrinkle face cream, best anti-aging cream and many more kind of cream means I am old.

My body clock is telling me I won't be able to conceive anymore. I might but I am already on the high risk if ever. But I would still welcome it whatever risks it maybe. The question is will I have or will I not get pregnant?

I know it's becoming frustrating to read about my rants on pregnancy issues here but please bear with me. This is where I let out all those frustrations.

Again, I am not losing hope. I don't want to lose hope. And I put my HOPE in GOD because isn't it true that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE TO HIM?

Smart Parenting

Weird me.

• I recently chanced upon the smart parenting website and I thought I wanted to register as a full member. BUT I AM NOT A PARENT YET.

• I wanted to register because I want to join their recent contest where you can win a big tote bag for moms (obviously to carry all the baby stuff you need when you go out). BUT THEN AGAIN I DO NOT HAVE A KID YET.

Funny me.

I realized though that I frequent some mom blogs and some parenting sites too which I know is not bad because I got to learn something which I share to my friends who have kids already. So I guess it’s not weird huh?

But I think I should visit and read more sites and gather more info on how to become pregnant or how to effectively lose weight or what diet pills are safe to be taken or better yet how to get rich quick.

~~~~~~~~~

It’s only Wednesday and I am dead tired of office work already. I wish it’s Friday na tomorrow.

"Mommy"

Still praying for someone to call me mommy, for that bundle of joy to come.

And it is so comforting to know that a lot of people are praying with us. Somehow the pain has lessened when we are being introduced to people we meet for the first time, saying that we still don't have a baby.

We are turning four on April 21. And I am not getting any younger, sometimes the hope fades and sometimes I get tired of dreaming but God is restoring me and He strengthens me from time to time.

I know someday I'll be able to go to baby's section too in the malls, I'll be able to taste the best prenatal vitamins that friends talk about, someday I'll be able to hear someone's heartbeat on my own body too.

Someday, someone will call me "mommy" too.

Babies for Sale

Don't worry they are fake babies. They are dolls. They call it reborn dolls and are being sold in the UK or maybe in the US too.

I don't know but I don't like the feeling of having them. I maybe longing for a baby and been praying for one for two years now but there is no way I am gong to buy something like this. They're cute yes, no question about that but I just can't. Weird feeling.

Found the images here.

How would it be?

As I sit here and ponder, I wonder how would it be for me and hubby when God blessed us with our little bundle of joy. Of course if ever I’ll be the first to know and even now I’m thinking of some creative ways in telling my hubby the good news, would I wrap the pregnancy test and give it to him as a gift? Would I just embrace him tight and call him daddy. Or I could send him cards like of those personalized Holiday Photo Cards. I think that’s so cute.

Geesh. I can think of many creative ways, I just hope I can at least do one in the near future.

For the meantime, if you're looking for some cute cards for the coming christmas season, take a look at photoaffections.com. They have great designs, so ideal for any occasions.

what to expect when you are not expecting

You read it right, “what to expect when you are not expecting” I hope there is a book like that, I could grab one and read it the whole day so I would know what to expect.

For the last few days, I am secretly thinking and wishing that I might be pregnant, with all the cravings and sluggishness I had but NO, I AM NOT for the nth time.

So what to expect? A series of, “it’s okay you’ll get pregnant soon”. .”Don’t worry in God’s perfect time..” ..“Don’t feel bad, God has better plans for you”

What can be worse than having a flu and your period at the same time? Or maybe I’m just over reacting.

Preparing for the rain

I want this for a baby girl, nice no? Some say pink is already overused for a girl but hey it looks so lovely and nice!


I am not pregnant yet, but I have high hopes. Others may think I’m crazy because I am browsing crib bedding sets and other baby stuff, well, can I just say I’m preparing for the rain? got that form the movie facing the Giants. God knows how much I wanted a baby and it’s not bad to be prepared right?

For a baby boy, I like this one, I love the soft touch of blue in it. Sigh. I can’t wait to buy those stuff.

AM I???

pregnant? or wishing lang...

I'm 2 weeks delayed - that's so normal to me, minsan pa nga 2 months delayed.

I'm craving for cake (chocolate ones) - very unusual because I don't like sweets

I get irritated agad- hehe! very normal na yata ito sa akin.

I don't feel any dizziness

I don't feel any pangangalam ng sikmura

I go to bathroom everynow and then -very unusual din

I'LL KEEP ON HOPING ANYWAY, FREE NAMAN MANGARAP DI BA?

I hope it doesn't hurt like this

Good news – my friend who recently got married last March 1 is now pregnant!! Her husband told us last night. We couldn’t be happier for them. I guess everyone they knew would be happy and excited for them. It’s quite sad because Jerl is now back in Georgia and her hubby is still here, so we are praying for his papers and visa so he could be with his wife anytime soon. I can imagine how hard it is to conceive and “lihi” without your partner beside you.

The bad news – As I have said me and hubby couldn’t be happier for them, they are special to us, so special that we are the first to know among their friends I think even with their own set of parents. So we’re genuinely happy for them. But then hearing the good news brought us some pain also. I immediately asked the question “why not me?” And I guess they heard me even without asking it aloud..because they said “don’t worry, you’ll be the next”.

I hope it doesn’t hurt like this..and it hurts even more when you realize that it also is hurting your hubby. Last night when we are left alone in the room, hubby said “it’s all my fault” ..”I’m not a faithful servant kasi”..”I’m not praying kasi” . I wish I could say the right words but I am speechless too, though I know in my heart that he is not to blame, no one is to blame. I JUST held his hands and whispered..”it’s alright” but inside of me I knew..IT IS NOT.

Sad news

So I won't be having that preg test anymore this weekend..(Should I be grateful that I was spared of at least 120.00 pesos?)

Yesterday, after lunch, my period came..

Was I shocked? devastated I guess..I couldn't come out of the comfrot room..I just sat there and wished and hope that I'm not having another menstrual period again...

"they that wait upon the Lord shall renew thier strenght"...I hope this one is true too for those who wait to have thier baby.

"they shall run and not be weary"
"they shall walk and not faint"

Teach me Lord to wait.

Early birthday blues

It's already February, ist day of the month and 6 days to go before my birthday..

and I don’t know what’s happening to me…because I usually don’t have issues about my birthdays..I used to wait for it with eager anticipation specially during our AGL days..because my birthday means one big celebration in the house..friends from Midway and AGL will plan about this weeks before..what to cook as pulutan, who will cook and what to drink…but life is different now..for one, I have long forgotten alcohol..and second I don’t live in AGL now.

so why am I having this kind of feeling?Could it be because I’m again getting a year older and still no baby news yet? Not even a hint of conception or whatsoever?????

And everyone as in everybody that knows me and my husband keep on asking about us getting pregnant???And every time my tummy aches..someone will quote..uy baka buntis ka na? ”hindi po..medyo masama lang po talaga tiyan ko”…..

I’m turning 35 soon…Mom had me when she was 34..and I was the youngest in the family. My eldest sister had her first born when she was 34 and they have 2 kids now..

I love my life now..the turn around of things for me..from a life of no direction to a purpose driven life..God has indeed in control..and I’ve just got to re-assure my self with that.