Goodbye Nessa

Last Sunday, we said goodbye to this sweet and young lady, her family and friends finally laid her to rest but not in our hearts for she will be remembered forever.

The photos were taken on her 18th birthday 3 years ago, we did the balloon decors as our gift to her. She was in the worship team in our church before and I became her discipler just before her water baptism in 2011.  We have so many memories together and even after we've separated ways (church) she remained sweet and thoughtful to us, often times calling us to ask for worship songs and we kept on encouraging her to use her talent for the Lord.

It is painful to see her go so young, but God has a purpose and I trust Him. Now, we shall continue the love we have for her through the son she left with us. A premature baby boy, still in the hospital but is fighting for his life. Nessa risked her life for this baby and I know she will appreciate every love that will be thrown his way.

If you are praying, please remember baby James Matthew (Nessa's son), pray that he'll gain the weight he needs, that he will be healthy and well with NO complications at all. Thank you.

Good bye for now Nessa but we shall see each other again in heaven. Hugs and kisses.

Ate Raquel & Kuya Rudolf.

Today I remember

the day I received that phone call that changed my life forever..
the day I came to face the overwhelming pain that numbed me for days..
the day I lost the very first man that loved me fully and wholeheartedly..
the day he breathed his last..

and it does still hurt..
and I still miss him that MUCH..
his text messages, his smiles and jokes
his hugs...

and I still do cry.
even if it has been two years since he left us for good

I miss you so much Tatay!! I love you..Till we meet again in heaven.

78th Birthday

Happy happy birthday Tatay!

We will be celebrating again (our second) without you, but I take comfort that you are also having a grand celebration up there in heaven with all the angels :) and that you are truly happy.

I love you and remembering a lot about you today is not easy, it is still painful. I miss you so much.

I still miss you

I miss you Tatay.....

One year and still missing him

This weekend, we commemorated my Dads passing. It was a sad/happy occasion. Happy that we got to see all our dear friends and relatives again, sad that we still do miss Tatay very much. We prepared most of his favorite food such as menudo and lechonn (roast pig). I'm sure he's happy.

It has been one year-and still I can not look at his pictures and not cry. 

But of course, we have moved on despite the sadness and grief. I guess missing him is now part of our existence and that there will always be that special space in our heart for him. A space that only belongs to a father.

I spent 3 days in the province and we really had a good time with the kids, we went swimming in a nearby resort which we usually do during summer.

Today, my mom will finally go home with my sister and will stay here in the city for good. To my relief because that means I can now see her often. Our house in the province will be temporarily empty but it will always be full of happy memories.

Happy Birthday Tatay

Tay,

This could have been your 77th birthday. I can't express how much we miss you, specially on every family occasions, it is painful that you are not here with us anymore, but we are comforted by our countless happy memories when you were still with us.

We will forever celebrate your life and I will forever miss you.

Love,

Your bunso

2013 Recap

So we all said goodbye to 2013 and welcomed 2014 with open arms. I am one of those million people who eagerly awaited for the ending  and the beginning of the year because well, for one reason, 2013 was a major heartbreak for me.

But still, despite that it was loaded with hurt and pain, I cannot deny the fact that there are still plenty of good things that happened. And before I really (literally) move on to 2014, I just want to recap some major events in 2013,  just to remind my self that even if it was not completely beautiful year, it was still very very meaningful.

JANUARY

1. We celebrated Tatay's 76th birthday, not knowing it would be his last birthday with us.
2. We went to Davao (first time) for a coordination meeting for the mission camp)

MARCH

1. Spent the Holy week in the province with the whole family, went swimming and we even had a whole lechon (roast pig) just for the whole fam. It was such a nice week :)

APRIL

1. Tatay was rushed to the hospital (in Cabanatuan)-it was here that a very careless doctor told him that he has cancer and that he needs chemotherapy to survive and etc..etc.. without any of us there at his side. Back then, i wanted to go and punch the doctors face for being so insensitive. She could have talked to us instead. I think this made my Tatay weaker :( and secretly admitted that he will not get any better soon.

2. Went to Youth Mission Camp in Davao  for a week-April 20-26. (while I was there, I keep praying that God will spare me of losing my Tatay while I am miles away from home)

MAY

1. May 1 is a Holiday and I went home to visit Tatay, this time, he can no longer eat well and has become bed ridden or rather wheel chair ridden.

2. May 4, I went back home again to bring him his e-bike (one of his last requests). When we were about to leave home, I kissed and hugged him. Back in the car, I kept on crying because there is this feeling that it might be the last time.....

3. True enough, early morning of May 5 ( less than 12 hours since we left home) I received a call from my sister. Tatay went home to the Lord and up to this day, I still remember the pain of that phone call and I know I will remember it for a long time.

Grief consumed me for the following weeks and months..went to roller coaster of emotions, from shock to anger, guilt and sadness and slowly to acceptance and moving on.....

JULY

1. We made a major decision this month as husband and wife, we purchased a lot in Cavite, in a very nice community/subdivision. We are still paying it by installment and hopefully we can start to build our own home in few years time.

2. We also started successful savings (Pru-Life), I started reading about finances and  investments.

3. Went to Baguio with my Brother in law and his wife to celebrate their wedding anniversary. It was a happy and relaxing trip.

SEPTEMBER

1. We celebrated husband's birthday in a small hotel.

2. Passports renewed :)

OCTOBER 

1. My mother was hospitalized (her first time). To say that I was worried is understatement and certainly staying at the very same hospital where my father was confined brought a lot of sad memories. Good thing she got better and is ok now.

DECEMBER

1. First holidays without my father-it was sad but I know he won't like it if we stay that way, we celebrated at my sister's house with all of us present. The kids are happy.

2. Trip to Bolinao, Pangasinan- a beach vacation at last!!

~*~

Oh my, it was such a long post :) Thank you that you read up to this point and most of all thank you for being with me in my journey last year.

Hoping that we will all have a BETTER year this time. Happy New Year!!!

Christmas Rush

Two days to go before Christmas and I have yet to wrap all my gifts for my nephews and nieces :)

Talk about Christmas rush no?

Well, at least we're done with our Christmas parties and events so finally I have time. Yey!!
I was actually dead tired Saturday night so I woke up late Sunday morning. I decided to just stay home and rest if you can call cleaning and de-cluttering a rest.

But I am so happy that despite me not going to church yesterday, my day has been very productive naman. Amazing that I had the energy to organize and cleaned my small pantry, our shelves and a lot more  :) was able to change curtains too!!

Early evening, I was out and buying gifts, so tonight's last work to do is wrapping.

*~*

Oh.. I also cried a lot yesterday. While organizing some files at our study desk, I saw some of my Father's hospital records and his ID's. It suddenly hit me without a warning. Right there and then I cried, but afterwards God comforted me also and I felt fine.

I know there will be more of these moments but I'm sure there will always be comfort too.

*~*

How are you preparing for Christmas? Are you now ready and relaxing or  rushing like me?

I miss you Tay :(

-image from facebook-

5 months

Today marks the 5th month of my father's passing.

It's been 5 months since I received that early morning call...and I can still vividly remember how it broke my heat into pieces..in fact, it is still broken until now. I know mending and healing will take time..

It's been 5 months and it is still painful.

I still miss him so much. I miss his voice, his smiles, his presence.

I love you Tatay. 

Missing my Tatay

It's been days now that I'm seeing his face in my memory, his smile, his hands, his eyes...and I've been crying again.

Maybe because this month, we celebrated my nephew's 13th birthday. I realized how hard it is for us to celebrate such occasion without him. If he's here, he would have been excited about it and for sure even how simple the celebration is, he'llmake sure we are all there.

It's been 3 months...

Yes, life goes on but it's hard.

I can still feel the pain...

I miss him so much that it hurts so bad...

Mourning and Dancing

Last Saturday, I took my hands off my laptop because I found this book sitting in the boxes somewhere in the house and didn't stop reading until the last page. I remember buying this book probably 9 years ago, I didn't know then that i would be needing and reading it now. God's timing is always perfect no?

I found this very helpful because some of  the words she used are exactly how I was feeling. And it somehow validated my belief that each one grieves differently. I know my sisters are grieving differently or deals with grief differently even we both lost the same Dad.

I cried through the book and at the end I remained hopeful that someday soon, we will all be dancing again :)

Stages of Loss and Grief

Grieving is very unfamiliar to me. I also do not know if I am coping right. I read that there are stages or process of grieving .  According to the article written by Julie Axelrod, published in psychcentral.com the five stages are :

1. Denial and Isolation - The first reaction to learning of terminal illness or death of a cherished   loved one is to deny the reality of the situation. It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.

That it is so true and I know I’m done with that, the first moment I heard from my sister that my father passed away early morning of May 5, I was in denial for days, I’m trying to act as normal as I can and imagining that we are all there for a special occasion and not because we lost our Dad.

2. Anger - As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more  angry.

I don’t know if I went to this stage or if I am yet to go through this. So far, I haven’t felt anger to anyone and I hope not. Or probably yes, when I learned about my father’s sickness, I was at times mad at Doctors, and at people that seems do not understand what we’re going through that time. But when he died, I do not remember getting angry all throughout the wake.

3. Bargaining - The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–

• If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
• If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
• If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…

Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.

I had the series of “Ifs” even before my father left us. I guess we all go through that.

4.  Depression - Two types of depression are associated with mourning. The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words. The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.

I must be in this stage now, though not the depressed type of wanting your world to stop but I admit I am having signs of depression probably because of the sadness and the pain of losing someone you love so dearly. Right now, I don’t want to go to work, I want to sleep as long as I can and I don’t want to face people and act normal. But of course, since I cannot afford to live like that – I am now back to work, I already attended a ministry meeting, went to church last Sunday but avoided as much as I could a whole lot of people. I don’t want to talk about stuff and pretend that everything is alright because I am not alright. NOT YET.

5. Acceptance

I know in my heart I’ve already accepted the fact that my father is now with our Creator but it’s the feeling of not seeing him again ever that causes so much pain. The thought that I will never ever hear his voice again, I will never see him smile again and he will not be there anymore during family celebrations –It’s so painful and every time that thought crawl into my mind –I cry.  And it creep into your mind unexpectedly eh.  Even if I am doing things, work and all, sometime I caught myself staring to nowhere and thinking about my father.

But to end this post, I know grieving is just a phase and that whether you like it or not, you’ll get through that phase someday.

I like this quote about grieving I saw from somewhere in the internet

“ It is in the thorough allowing of  the grieving process that true healing occurs”

I am allowing myself to grieve thoroughly so I’m sure healing will come soon.